Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Last Thanksgiving

I don't know if anyone will find this note. I hope so. I hope I'm not writing this down for nothing. If you find this, please pay attention. It may all be over by now, but I feel like I need to write this down so we can learn and not make the same mistakes.

I don't know how many people have died in the the Great Thanksgiving Massacre. We are still trying to figure that out. Most of our normal communications have been taken down, the underground creatures took care of that, so it's hard to get an accurate number. But, we are guessing a good two-thirds of the country has been wiped out. Maybe not all by the initial attacks, but once it started and panic set it, people started attacking each other in order to get supplies. I guess that is not unexpected.

So, what happened? It started with the turkeys. Yes, turkeys. You know all the hormones and drugs that we used to give them that PETA and all the hippies got upset about, well turns out they were right. All those chemicals ended up making them smart. Not as smart as humans or anything, but get hundreds of them together and some kind of hive mind thing happens. I don't know all the details, but that is our best guess at what happened. Someday maybe I'll be able to get a scientist to verify that.

Now, the turkeys couldn't do it all on their own, of course, most were on farms and trapped. But they devised had a plan. They managed to get other animals involved. Animals outside the farms. Over the last few years the stories of wild animals venturing into towns and cities had increased, but we didn't pay much attention. We thought they were running out of space and food and had come to find more. We were wrong. It was a test. they wanted to see how easy it was; how would we react.

We aren't sure how the turkeys got the other animals to help, but we think they got some of the same hormones into them. Maybe they sacrificed some of themselves to other animals wondering around the farms? I don't know exactly how. Hell, it could have been in their shit that was washed away into local streams.

We knew we were in trouble the day before Thanksgiving. The president was on TV with the celebrity turkey he was going to pardon, but it didn't go as planned. As he spoke to the audience, and just after he pardoned the turkey, a pack coyotes came out of nowhere and attacked the press and president. At first everyone laughed and thought it was funny. I think it was one of the biggest YouTube videos ever. Then all Hell broke loose.

Stories came in of bear attacks in Colorado, Wyoming and Montana. Radio stations and cell phone service started going down as squirrels and beavers chewed through cables and towers. Next came the TV stations, which must have been harder due to the satellites. Eventually all communication went down. Then gas stations started blowing up as underground gas tanks were chewed through. Power lines started falling as birds up in the wires took them down.

Then the widespread animal attacks came. The domesticated dogs tried to help, but they were out-numbered. The cats, well, you know cats. They didn't really care. The riots started soon after. People were killing people for food, water, beer and whatever else they thought they needed. The national guard tried to help out, but were eventually overwhelmed by the crowds of panicked people, not to mention the packs of animals coming out to attack. The biggest problem turned out to be the little animals. You never think about how much damage rats, mice and squirrels can do until they band together.

Most of the chaos is over now. I don't hear anyone outside. I don't hear guns or any other weapons. I also don't hear any animals. For the last few days I could hear the skittery-scratching noises of something trying to get down here. I was sure I had blocked off all entry points with thick scrap metal I found, but didn't know how well it would work. They got into the gas tanks, didn't they? I'm lucky I found this old bomb shelter. I was pretty sure that the old school house had one, as many buildings did back in the 50's, but I wasn't sure if it was sealed off a long time ago. I feel bad about locking other people out, but there was nobody around when I found this place. I couldn't sit around with the door opening while the world was falling down around me. Every man for themselves, right?

So, I guess this note is a warning. Watch the turkeys, they are smarter than we think thanks to all the drugs we've given them. Don't trust them. Also, don't let the president pardon them next time. If we get a next time.

I think I can survive here for a few weeks, but eventually I'll need to go out. I hope the bodies in the roads are cleaned up. I hope the animals are gone.

So, um, Happy Thanksgiving. I thought I'd put this up to make you feel less guilty about eating today. Turkeys are evil you know. Mind you, this is something I threw together with minimal editing (obviously) while I was at work. I don't know made me think of  the great turkey uprising, but it seemed silly enough to put here. By the way, I'm not a vegetarian, as this may make me look. I love meat.

Hope you had a great day!


Florinda said...

For the record, we had ham. How did the pigs factor into all this?

Hope you had a good Thanksgiving!

Mike said...

Florinda: You don't want to know. :)

It was okay, would have been better if I didn't have to work.

Cookie said...

I love how your mind works!

Mike said...

Cookie: Thanks. Though I don't know if you'll like it when it comes true. :)